愛城往事

愛城的機場很小,出関后就可以見到落地窗外的燈火.去坐出租車,司機抱起我的行李喊道: 老天,你箱子裏裝了屍體嗎??!! (太重了……)

並沒有預想中的冷,反而覺得清新. 好比四年前剛來的那晚. 沿路都是盛開的櫻花,這下心裏是真的篤定,便放鬆的和司機聊天: 最近天氣怎麽樣,聽説前一陣下雪了...

司機用濃重的蘇格蘭腔答: standard procedure, nothing unusual! (春天下個雪算什麽，見怪不怪)

大笑。

搬行李上臺堦時偶遇從未謀面的帥哥鄰居，問要不要幫忙，客氣地說不用，暗自是心花怒放。鄰居回頭道，welcome back.

歡迎回家。在這裡住了一年多，當之無愧。前幾年有一年中搬家九次的紀錄，幾乎是住在旅行箱裏。但就算是只住兩個禮拜，也盡量將房間收拾得舒適宜人：自己要首先不把它當成臨時落腳地，才能住得心安。從這意義上來說，家是心的延展吧。

搬家多次，總會留下一些紀念品，其中有一張朋友留的字條——尼可僧街123號，是搬出學校宿舍后找到的第一閒住處。那一天早上醒來意外的發現客廳和廚房都已收拾乾淨，湯留在灶上，因爲“熱一下還可以喝”。當時突然想到韶華的話，“字寫得這樣好，倒是值得認識一下”。

認識這些年，大家都變了許多。人在異鄉，都愈加清晰的認識和更新自己。所以儘管是相熟的朋友，也總會因爲對方新的變化而驚喜，仿佛不斷在重新相識，也不斷的反觀自身。“少年時代立下的志願，因妥協而背叛，會遭到懲罰；始終不肯背叛自己的人，即使吃了很多苦頭，最終卻可以笑著”。

所謂毋忘初心。

——我本來也想寫的，被你先寫掉了。

1.
Spring is like a perhaps hand



(which comes carefully

out of Nowhere) arranging

a window， into which people
look (while

people stare

arranging and changing placing

carefully there a strange

thing and a known thing here) and


changing everything carefully


spring is like a perhaps

Hand in a window

(carefully to

and fro moving New and

Old things， while

people stare carefully

moving a perhaps

fraction of flower here placing

and inch of air there) and



without breaking anything



--E.E.Cummings(1894-1962)




春天像一隻也許的手



(小心款款地

來自無處)佈置


一扇窗，人往內注視(當

人凝視時

佈置且變換擺設

小心款款地那兒一件新奇

物這兒一個熟悉物) 且


變換萬物小心款款地



春天像一隻也許的

手在一扇窗裏

小心款款地來來

去去移動新的和

舊的事物當

人凝視小心款款地

移動也許一

小撮花在這兒放

一小寸空氣在那兒)且



不破壞任何東西




－康明思(1894-1962)作


－游元弘譯

 

2.
Vergänglichkeit:


「我願再度凝望母親的雙眸，/她的目光即是我的星辰。/ 萬物都將隨風而逝，/


萬物消逝，都欣然消逝。/ 唯有那永恆的母親，/我們的所來處，永遠駐足。/


她嬉戲般的舉起手指，/ 在飛揚的風中寫入我們的名字。」



(Ihre Augen will ich wiedersehn, / Ihr Blick ist mein Stern, / Alles andre mag


gehn und verwehn,


Alles stirbt, alles stirbt gern. / Nur die ewige Mutter bleibt, / Von der wir


kamen,


Ihr spielender Finger schreibt / In die flüchtige Luft unsre Namen. )




3. –how fortunate are you and i, whose home / is timelessness: we who have


wandered down / from fragrant mountains of eternal now “　～E.E.Cummings


(—而你和我何等幸運，我們的家 / 是無時間之境 我們漫行而下 /自永恆當下的芳香群山)

March belongs to the poet. The poet who was born and killd - by himself - in a beautiful spring over 20 years ago. Aged 25.

The short period of time in modern Chinese history where there was belief, hope and poetic dreams, marked its end with Haizi's suicide.

A very ritualised act: lying on the railway, his body cracked into pieces by a rushing train; his wishes carried away on the endless journey on that railway; his life and dreams broken; his ideas immortal.

For over 20 years we, people who are saddened by the present and live in the hope for beyond, still memorise him every year, and whenever the feeling of despair overpowering hope, we recite his last words. Every spring in the reviving of his words, Haizi is resurrected - is this almost the equivalence to Easter? a resurrection and restoration of eternal return. With poems. words of flesh, dreams and hope, transforming life and death, a power beyond this world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hai_Zi

From tomorrow on, i will be a happy man,
Grooming, chopping, and traveling around the world.
From tomorrow on, i will care for grains and vegetables.
a house, facing the sea, with spring flowers blossoming.
From tomorrow on, i will correspond with everyone I love,
Telling them of my happiness.
What the lighting of blessedness has told me,
I will spread to each of them.

And give a warm name to every river and every mountain.
Strangers, i’m also blessing for you,
Wish you a brilliant future,
Wish you can tie the knot with your love,
Wish you enjoy the very happiness in this earthly world.
I only wish, to face the sea, with spring flowers blossoming.

海子的死可能是他寫過最好的句子. 在春天, 詩人從此永生.

從明天起，做一個幸福的人
餵馬、劈柴，周遊世界
從明天起，關心糧食和蔬菜
我有一所房子，面朝大海，春暖花開
從明天起，和每一個親人通信告訴他們我的幸福
那幸福的閃電告訴我的
我將告訴每一個人
給每一條河每一座山取一個溫暖的名字
陌生人，我也為你祝福
願你有一個燦爛的前程
願你有情人終成眷屬
願你在塵世獲得幸福
我只願面朝大海，春暖花開

紀念一個充滿詩意和力量的時代. 在此時為彼世發掘出一些意義

This love

So violent

So fragile

So tender

So hopeless

This love

As beautiful as the day

And as wretched as the weather

When the weather is wretched

This love

So real

This love

So beautiful

So happy

So joyous

And so ridiculous

Trembling with fear

Like a child in the dark

And so sure of itself

Like a tranquil man in the quiet of the night

This love

Which made others afraid

Which made them gossip

Which drained the colour from their cheeks

This love

Watched for

Because we watched for them

Snared, wounded, trampled, finished, denied, forgotten

Because we snared, wounded, trampled, finished, denied, forgot it

This love

Entire

Still so alive

Shining

This is yours

This is mine

This love

Which is always new

And which never changes

Real like a plant

Quivering like a bird

Warm and as alive as the summer

We can both

Go and come back

We can forget

And fall asleep

And wake up

To suffer old age

Fall asleep again

To dream to death

Awake

To smile and laugh

Young again

Our love endures

Obstinate as a mule

As alive as the desire

As cruel as the memory

As stupid as the regret

As tender as the memory

As cold as marble

As beautiful as the day

As delicate as an infant

It watches us

Smiling

And speaks to us

Without saying a word

And I

I listen to it

Trembling

And I cry

I cry for you

I cry for myself

And I beg you

For yourself

For me

And for all those who love

And who are loved

Yes

I cry to it

For you

For me

And for all the others

I do not know

Stay there

There where you are

There where you were before

Stay there

Don't move

Don't go away

We who are loved

We have forgotten you

Do not forget us

We had only you on this earth

Do not let us grow cold

Further and further away every day

It doesn't matter where

Give us a sign of life

In a nook in the woods

In the forest of memory

Suddenly arise

Take us by the hand

And save us

印象深的小說有一篇傅范妮(Fannie Flagg) 的油煎綠色西紅柿 (Fried Green Tomatoes). 內容完全不記得, 似乎是有關老人的回憶. 不記得內容是因為當時我尚未識字, 這個故事是從堂表姐們的閒談裡聽來的. 小時候她們都是文藝女青年, 手抄紅樓夢, 畫工筆仕女, 念都德(Alphonse Daudet) 的小說最後一課然後感慨萬千(普魯士佔領阿爾薩斯和洛林, 年幼的都德經歷最後一堂法語課, 老師希望他們即使今後不能再講法語, 也要记得它是世界上最美的语言..). 整個世界神采飛揚, 興致勃勃, 充滿理想.

她們一定都不記得了. 我當時年紀太小, 並未參與其中, 只是個旁觀者, 所以記得牢. 喜歡回憶記性又太好, 好像又是老人家的特性. 因為和老人一起長大的緣故吧. 我所習慣和喜歡的, 都像上了年紀的老太太. 當然後來我想, 好婆喜歡回憶, 是因為過去的美好踏實吧. 人類的我保護功能, 濾去不愉快的, 只留下美好的東西以生希望.

好婆的習慣之一是喜歡藏舊貨, 什麼都藏, 尤其是餅乾聼. 喜歡和人開的一個玩笑: 好婆過世時我們在她口袋裡發現一塊花生糖, 悲痛, 尷尬, 又有點哭笑不得. 後來才想到, 好婆熱愛美食至如此地步, 是因為極其珍惜. 這份珍惜的背後是一段酸楚的經歷, 因為曾經被折磨得飢寒交迫.

我也喜歡舊貨, 尤其喜歡古董餐具. 去努力收藏舊餐具的背後, 是否也希望能完成老人家的心願? 他們曾經丟失的, 被侵占和奪走的古舊珍藏, 連帶對美好物件和生活的信仰, 我都希望能夠代為收還. 每一件精美的舊貨, 一個茶杯, 一枚茶匙, 一把餐刀, 一打餐盘, 都可能與好婆曾經失去的相仿.

當然無論我如何努力, 都拼湊不齊他們失去的歲月. 一整代人, 兩代人, 三代人....的信仰和希望. 曾經他們也是理想主義者, 曾經我們都是. 再後來我們成了無政府主義者, 手持一本通行證叫鄉愁. (一個捷克人去移民, 移民官給一個地球儀, 請他選移民地. 捷克人慢慢轉過地球儀後問: 你還有另外一個地球儀嗎)

我也像她, 對食物極其珍惜, 吃不完一定要打包, 醬料都想辦法留起來做面澆頭. 喬去墨西哥玩帶給我一盒糖, 那天春光明媚一顿饭宾主尽欢,結果糖盒現在都留著. 食物本身不能留, 只能拍照纪念. 每一餐都像个仪式("有时我在rue de Seine（塞纳路）上经过那些小店。卖旧物的商家、卖旧书的小贩、橱窗里摆得满满的賣銅版畫的人。從未有人光顧他們，他們顯然也沒有做成什么生意。但如果你進去看看，你就會看見他們坐著，坐著讀書，無憂無慮；既不擔憂明日，也不焦慮成敗。或者一條狗，蹲踞在他們身前，興致勃勃；或者一隻貓，沿著書列漫行，彷彿在擦拭書脊上的名字，為寧靜更添寧靜。

人生如此，足矣！我有時也渴望買這樣一個擺滿的櫥窗，伴著一條狗坐在後面，一坐二十年。黃昏時分，後房裡有燈，前面一片幽暗，我們三人坐著，吃飯，在後面；我注意到，從街上看，每一次它都顯得像一次晚餐，如此盛大而節日般地瀰漫在幽暗的空間。 但因此人也不得不始终拥有所有的焦虑，大的、小的）……

小年夜, 在馬來西亞餐廳喝拉茶, 吃海南雞飯和南乳豬扒. 春節這樣群體儀式化的東西, 對異鄉客來說已經失去意義, 娛人不能, 只求自樂.

在上海會做什麼呢? 灑掃庭除, 新桃舊符, 採辦年貨. 南瓜西瓜子香瓜子, 栗子蛋糕蝴蝶酥花生牛轧糖朱古力 (上海飲食刁鑽精怪, 小吃之融匯八方，識時務者爲俊傑也。木心說得好，上海人不怕玩物喪志) 我们不吃水餃但是吃蛋餃叫元寶, 八寶鴨, 元蹄. 守歲的時候吃一碗黑洋沙湯圓. 抱怨外面爆竹太吵.有一年點煙花玩瘋, 結果大衣燒一排洞. 喝茶都漏水.

有一年好婆想煮甜羹, 結果廚藝不佳鋪出來滴滴答答一塌糊塗, 兩位老人家為此慪氣, 我們去拜年時兩人仍互不理睬...

其實可以說,自從好婆過世之後大家過年的興致就減少許多.傳統畢竟需要有人起勁, 要不然大家都有點意興闌珊.

去年開始又和姨婆通信, 今年春節信裡也附上我的春節小畫. 過去每年都有, 後來忙升學就停了. 過意不去. 姨婆回信時非常仔細, 比方萬聖節特意用南瓜郵票..這份舊派人對情誼的重視讓我慚愧.

剛才吃到馬來小館的豬扒炸得酥透, 突然想到油煎綠色西紅柿.

我和伊芙在一所咖啡館裡等喬，伊芙說起前一陣去學校，禮堂有聖誕頌歌（Christmas Carols）。

“來了個女牧師講話,覺得很新鮮也為此高興.(女性按立牧師在基督新教裡只有200年曆史,羅馬天主教至今不允許女性擔任教會神職.

伊芙的家鄉愛爾蘭信奉天主教,因此對她來說見到女性神職人員頗奇妙) 但是仔細聽她說的, 我卻不敢苟同

“她講了個聖誕故事。一個村莊裏有人散佈消息，說耶穌就在我們中間，聖誕的時候會現身。於是大家都心有戚戚，怕錯待了真神，便對彼此尊重謙和許多。一時間鄰裏和睦道德感劇增。聖誕的時候大家沒有見到耶穌，牧師告訴他們：你們再想一想，耶穌不就已經在你們裡面了嗎？”

我笑：還真是個老掉牙(banal)的寓言!

人人為善，人人心中有上帝，上帝就在我們中間。

伊芙拍手：“這就是她的意思！可是人性在善惡上未必平等。比如有些人為惡的機制工作比如員警所代表的暴力，不能因為他在聖誕前行一些善事就否定他整個人所代表的惡。”

想了一下，答：如果個人的選擇是無意識的呢?

比如電影瘋狂約會美麗都(Metropolis), 在大機制面前個體只不過是奴隸，個體意識受機制主宰？

伊芙也想一下，你說得有道理，但我還是覺得每個人在做選擇時其實是有意識的，奴隸是另一種現象，並非出自個人選擇。

喬到了，話題暫時打斷。去了一家茶室就叫a

tearoom，但是極其酷，爛榻榻米頂上有扇放錯位置的天窗。跟她們說，格拉斯哥不得了，這就是通往天國的窗戶了……

這件事一直存在腦子裡。看到醉鋼琴的文章，提及漢娜阿倫特Hannah Adrent的“艾克曼在耶路撒冷：關於惡之平庸的報告” (Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil)的意思：“惡之平庸”。“通過這個詞，阿倫特想表達的是：阿克曼——很可能也是絕大多數納粹分子——並非什麼惡魔或者變態，從他交待的材料及心理醫生的診斷來看，這是一個普普通通的人，幾乎可以說是“可怕地正常”。然而就是這樣一個人，在特殊時代，可以無動於衷地殺害成千上萬人。”

和我們一樣。關押及暗殺上訪者和獨立參選人的每一個獄卒，員警，看守，過客；售賣有毒食物的每一個農民，關口檢查人員，餐館服務員，經營者……每個人都有藉口，每一個人都只不過是在製度中扮演一個平庸的角色."用角色开脱恶行，便利在于那个角色中的“我”不再是我，而仅仅是“他”...彻底的匿名状态就意味着彻底的责任豁免。“我”不再是我，“我”只是一个巨大怪兽无数触角中的一个而已，所以“我”可以从恶如崩。而所谓人性觉醒，就是从自己所隐身的集体中抽身出来，恢复成独立、完整并需要为自己的一举一动负责的个人". 前幾年的片子'The Reader'也提到同樣的問題：納粹軍事審判上，當年的獄卒依然不解的流淚：我錯在哪裡？我只不過是執行一個命令。我只不過在做我的工作。

 

關於人性的本質或善或惡難以爭論出結論，但人性與體制一樣，都並非抽象的理念，而是在每一個人在社會環境中的生命選擇和文明演進的具化。问题是,如果我們肯定善的平庸(banality of good)，是否也要肯定惡的平庸(banality of evil)？

这可能是伊芙不同意人性有平等的善的缘故. 是时候再找她们喝杯茶..

you want to play a game?

the bird is stuffed, the pleasure is all mine

(game 亦代指家禽, 源於打獵活動- 因而是一個遊戲的雙關詞. 難得早起, 去學院路上於是靈光乍現)

i imagined your walks, walked our paths. out of nowhere i was at the crosscroad again, west end.

people flood into the station. just like ants, if you look down from the top of the escalator. i wonder among all the crowds how do people meet and fall in love?

not sure how a story should start or end. we are fated to run away from our fate, kept asleep in the daylight and weeping at night.

winter fogs cast a dream. in the dream-like city, only pain remains real. (toothpain)


leaving national library after a whole day of intense reading, for a moment I wasn't sure whether the outside world would still be there for me - one of the worst nightmares, you suddenly realise that you were left out when the entire human race extinguished.


people started to decorate for Christmas, very soon, again, unhappiness/uncheerfulness/ loneliness will be put into isolation and presented as antisocial, abnormal and unhealthy. this is the time of great Delusion, when we dare no longer call ourselves sinners, selfish and mean. We all want to be normal, which now means Good. It is wrong to have strong personal passions, uncomfortable, unsocial, which is Bad.... This is the era of mass dedication to ill-understood Abstraction, hallowed by the verbiage of massmedia, sanctified by majority votes. It has become ridiculous to die for love of one person. Love is only a sensible compromise, a democracy made safe by contraception.

but we still have the will to create something and give ourselves a possibility, a potentiality, don't we? the question is rather if we are willing to, than if we are able to.

like Lucio Fontana's gauze: full of cuts, and allows light to flow through, shining on various layers of potential possibilities, especially a chance of rebirth after brokenness

but, are we strong enough to require a rebirth?

do most of us, rather choose to LIVE in a peaceful despair, watching our hope, passion and life gradually, gradually, quietly, dying away?

'Death never seemed to legitimate and glorious. Death of leaves, of summer, of dandelions...It's wanting to demonstrate, that death is NOT the absence of life, but the change, the transformation'

yes, my dear. thanks for reminding me.

週末照例散步去當代藝術館（modern art galleries）。除季節展如過去Jeff Koon的childish things 及
August Sander之外，藝術館的常年展品亦引人入勝，且因空間設計，使得其中藝術展品皆不經意而無所不在，所以更值得流連。

這一幅List of Names，在通往樓下咖啡廳的牆上。貫穿兩層樓的牆面上列滿人名，是作者Douglas
Gordon所能記得的，在他一生中遇見的所有人。作品目的是為測試記憶的無序和意向性。有趣的是幾年後又有一幅類似作品，從名字排列的差別可以看出他的內心變化。

幾千個名字所帶來的震撼。我們對頭腦及心靈如何運作所知太少。 

 一個城市的‘藝術質感’，直到在愛市生活才深有體會。譬如當代藝術館坐落於早先獨立的村莊Dean
Village，建築與整座城市維多利亞/喬治王時代的風格截然不同，是精奇靈秀。順著溪流(Water
of Leith)
而上，是一處開闊的莊園，原先是孤兒院，戰後作了藝術中心。一石一木中都藏有藝術作品，毫不刻意。

當然，還有好的咖啡館和有趣的洗手間。

'and now I am no longer afraid, or worried, or unhappy. Suddenly I've stopped worrying, I've stopped bitting my nails, I've stopped being frightened of airplanes (I am so often in them, it is against the laws of probability that i should not crash again, this time for good). I am filled with happiness, and there is no room for anything else but the happiness for loving you. I feel permeated, shot through and through with thankfulness which is ever-present knowledge of you. God has been so good to me in allowing me to love you. There is nothing else.

'Last night in bed I was trying to remember that poem of Francis Thompson, [O World intangible]. Most of it came back yo me. I expect you to know it. Let me write out a few lines for you （小說與同名電影的得名來自Francis Thompson的詩作【Kingdom of God】，O World Intagible是其中一段。Mark則可能記錯）:

The angels keep their ancient places;—
Turn but a stone, and start a wing!
‘Tis ye, ‘tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendoured thing.

No wonder that I appear very self-contained, carrying inside me the love of you, an ever-running fountain of happiness, watering and making fertile my whole existence. God has been so good to us. Somebody once said to me that it was a tragedy not to be loved. Surely the real tragedy is not to love?

Suyin, I am so happy. We have not missed, you and I, we have not missed the many-splendored thing.'

(some insightful analysis of the political situation and humanity is far more attractive than the classic love affiar:)

- What kind of things will you write about Korea?
- All same sort of things i wrote about Africa, Indonisea... cold facts of war... men suffering, people caught up in events they can't understand.

- Mark, do correspondants ever get killed?
-um, a friend of mine got killed by a bus in Tokyo...'


煽情片的經典，因為女主角的清麗而使全片脫俗。有趣的是Jennifer Jones的高雅扮相似乎也只有這一回，其他都是她西部女牛仔本色。

電影看得不過癮，兩人感情的發展似乎不合情理，因此去找了小說原著作對比——果然細膩更多。當然電影有其殊勝之處：一段婚外情，因女主角的優雅矜持而顯得珍貴。生死戀一書是混血女作家韓素音的自傳（對留英學生來說，最熟悉的可能就是韓素音獎學金。作為有中國血統的'Euroasian', 韓致力幫助譯文及文化交流）。

- You are a monk without God. Have you ever tried to be a priest? ... the day will come when you will face the emptiness within you, as I shall, as all of us must. for we are all the same. All of us run away into the aggitation of work or pleasure. You are wiser than others, for you are aware. one day you will no longer willing to buy a ticket for Sinkiang or for Timbuctoo. You will not run away bravery and to prowess and to wars. And I shall not run away either.

其實韓素音對49年政治與人情的描繪亦精確，最好看的部分恐怕是其入理的分析，而不是這段生死戀。按“鏡中的事實與事實相悖”的原則，從某一角度來說，重慶失守，上海也要淪陷，難民不斷湧到香港，政權更迭，一個時代馬上就要過去。相較之，個人命運不過是滄海一粟。如果沒有那樣激動人心的時代對照，可能也只是一段情罷了，儘管它沉痛淒婉，讓人終生記之。亂世之中，也許只有深愛另一個人，才能對當下的生存狀態稍感安慰。另外意外的一點是作者的坦白：心動，慾望，花招（藉口說點煙，藉機靠近他），還有絕望，全部忠誠。

同事勸她隨其他醫生一同去中國，她則堅持等在香港。同事道：you forgot that you are Chinese, you abandone your people and your duty for a foreigner.
素音道：I will not allow you to make me feel selfish or small. I am not becoming a communist like you.
同事道：China is new born. look at yourself in the mirror, this is the truth
素音答：this is our difference. you look into mirror and think you see the truth, while I see illusion. what is right is left in the mirror, and what is left is right.
真正精闢。

電影看第二遍，知道之後要有悲劇發生，在兩人初次約會時便悲從中來。

噩耗傳來，素音不願相信，顫抖著匆忙撕開一封來自已經過世人的來信，念道：

I do not know what is to happen darling, but this I know - life's great tragedy is not to be loved. and not to love.

素音闔上信，小心的疊成一小塊，貼到心口，道：he's dead.

穿著旗袍的素音穿過街市，來到兩人常去的山丘，Mark信中的話語由旁白念出來：there is no fair or unfair under heaven... i often think that healing is men's own salvation.

we have not missed, you and I, we have not missed that many splendored thing.

這一段是全片剪輯最流暢的部分——開頭的剪輯是個災難。主題曲出，由Sammy Finn及Paul Francis Webster寫就，Four Aces演出。另有Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Barry Manilow的版本，歌詞同樣令人扼腕：
Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,

Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
Once on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,

Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing

片末素音漫步山頭遠望。這一段有點超現實——如果是我，在如此噩耗的重擊之下一定就此癱瘓罷。

曾經這樣愛過，要如何才能背著它繼續生活下去而不感到淒惶？韓素音的第一任丈夫同樣死於戰爭，難怪她對命運的看法顯得悲觀而被動。